A Post-Apocalyptic, Twisted Pulp Interview with Donald J. Trump… and Donald J. Trump.
By Dr. Mary Von Rocksprocket
Hello, not-so-dear readers! This is Dr. Mary Von Rocksprocket, in my underground bunker, hiding from the destruction of the world that occurred when all the nuclear and social unrest style shit hit the fan, splattered all over everyone in liquid form (filled with maggots), entered our noses, ears, mouths, and… well you get the idea. I am now, breaking out of my radio imprisonment and finally moving into a more respected medium for communication: Journalism! The only downside is you can’t hear my laughter that I will now have to type out like a rabid tapir! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! But the upside is that my assistant Tiffany won’t be able to interrupt! Or attempt to kill me within these pages… Wait while I double-check the lock on the door. Ah ha! Secure!!!!
Twisted Pulp is not quite the bastion of rigorous ethics and methodology that I once experienced in academia but then, what is these days? And, of course, that was before I lost my tenure due to the chinchilla / hooker / psychologist / drug dealer hybridization experiments. Narrow-minded idiots! Who doesn’t want a soft and furry, sexually available, person who will listen to all of your narcissistic ramblings while giving you drugs I ask you? Hmm!? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Now, where was I? Damn…
Ah, Journalism! Yes! The respected 4th Estate that will keep the world from… oh… they didn’t do such a good job now did they? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Well, we will do better here dear Readers! Here, at Twisted Pulp, we will expose the truth behind Fish-Worship! We will track the wild SPAM beasts! We will distill the fermented fluids from the pineal glands of wasteland-wandering partisan politicians to create the most potent hallucinogenic substances in existence! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
And today, we begin with an interview! An interview with someone… well, two someones… both claiming to be President Donald J. Trump!
Dr. Mary Von Rocksprocket (MVR): President Trump and… President Trump, with so many people dead, as either carbon shadows or chemical goo, when all of civilization screwed the pooch it is amazing that you survived… and that there are now two of you—
Donald J. Trump I (Trump I): (interrupting)… Not really… Not really Mary. May I call you Mary? And why aren’t you a woman? When I agreed to this interview it was because I thought you were a young, sexy, German lady.
Dr. Mary Von Rocksprocket (MVR): No. I’m a man. My father named me Mary.
Donald J Trump II (Trump II): So, you’re not a transsexual?
Dr. Mary Von Rocksprocket (MVR): No!!!! Haven’t you ever heard “A Boy Named Sue?”
Trump I: Of course. The Man in Black was a great American.
MVR: We can definitely agree on that! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Trump II: We think you’re a very strange man.
MVR: You. Have. No. Idea!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Anyway! So, you were explaining how you survived World War III and why there are two Donald J. Trumps.
Trump I: Yes. You see, not only do I have Dragon Energy, I have a mixture of Planarian and Cockroach Blood. I injected that mixture, and bleach, into my veins on a regular basis for years before the apocalypse that was caused by Rosie O’Donnell reenacting her role as “Sheila” from Exit to Eden.
MVR: I’m going to have nightmares now that you have mentioned that! (Yelling off microphone) TIFFANY! Make sure I have lots of melatonin for tonight! And bourbon!
Trump II: Yes. Rosie O’Donnell caused the end of the world as we know it and she is the reason there are two of me.
MVR: Do tell.
Trump I: Well, after I was reelected, with a huge landslide in both popular and electoral votes—
MVR: I don’t remember that ever happening.
Trump II: That’s because of the fallout. It’s been affecting people’s memories and their ability to digest processed cheese products.
MVR: That… actually… that explains more than a few Velveeta incidents I’ve had. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Trump I: I’m going to call you “Moronic Mary” from now on. M’kay?
[Edited note: Tiffany here readers… I like what Donny called him. I’m editing this piece now and the idiot formerly known as Dr. Mary Von Rocksprocket will now be called “Moron” in the transcript below! Yay!!!!]
Moron: I… NOBODY TALKS TO ME LIKE THAT!
Trump II: And, I am both somebody and nobody… because nobody’s perfect. And I am hugely perfect.
Moron: I… That hurt my brain. Please continue with your story.
Trump I: As I was saying, after my landslide reelection, O’Donnell became even more unhinged than she had been previously. She dressed up as an extremely obese dominatrix, kidnapped me with the help of 1,000 boxing kangaroos, and held me captive. With ransom demands.
Moron: What was she demanding?
Trump II: She wanted me to dress up as Baby Huey and say, “I’m Sorry” while being sprayed with orange paint by Joy Behar. I of course refused. I don’t negotiate with terrorists. Or horrible, harpies.
Moron: That sounds… insane! Even by my standards! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Trump I: That woman is completely batshit crazy, yes she is.
Trump II: But it was during this time that the world didn’t have my leadership… and that’s what caused everything to break down.
Trump I: That’s right! If I had been there we would still be living in the best of all possible, and AMERICAN, worlds.
Moron: Fascinating! But, how did this end with you being, well… two?
Trump II: She finally snapped. After days of trying to break my spirit (and let me tell you, better people than her have tried… like all of my ex-wives), she took a chainsaw and sliced me right down the middle.
Moron: How did you react to her brandishing such a weapon. I’m pretty sure I would soil my labcoat. And I might have already done that earlier. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Trump I: That explains the smell. No, I just looked the horrible, horrible, woman in the eye and said, “Bring it on! I’m the Duke of New York! A-Number-One! The Big Man!”
Trump II: And that’s when I became aware… right after she cut him in half.
Trump I: We quickly healed up and took her down.
Moron: This is, frankly, unbelievable.
Trump II: That’s because you are a moron. Mary. Not a very nice man.
Moron: Tiffany! I can hear you laughing! Stop it!
Trump I: We split into two and became even more awesome than we were when we were one.
Trump II: And now I can refer to myself as the “Royal We” without looking weird.
Moron: I wonder what it would be like to have two of… ME!
Trump I: Well, I can tell you about one major benefit.
Trump II: Back when I was in college, I was playing a Yoga drinking game.
Moron: A what?
Trump I: It’s like Twister but it’s good for your health and your soul. Anyway, my friend Randy Roy convinced me to try sticking both of my thumbs up my ass at the same time.
Trump II: Which I did. Because I’m absolutely excellent.
Trump I: But it was hard. I wasn’t able to spend time enjoying it as much as I would have liked.
Moron: I can only imagine (and I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to NOT imagine this now).
Trump II: Now, we can do this for each other. As much as we want.
Trump I: We have added it to our MAGA platform: “Make Ass-Play Great Again.”
Moron: I…. I think that is all we have time for this issue. Thank you President Trumps for the exclusive interview. And, if I don’t succumb to drinking industrial strength cleaner-degreaser from the visions this interview has conjured up, I’ll back next issue for more hard-hitting, rigorous JOURNALISM as only
Dr. Mary Von Rocksprocket [MORON] can bring you! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!