Tail Gunner Joe

The man began to awake slowly, in a stupor, feeling like 200lbs of soggy elephant dung. He had far too many questions running through his mind, “Where am I? What happened to me? Who am I? If God and Superman had a fight, who would win? So, so many questions. All he knew was he seemed to be lying in a bed in a dimly lit room.

“Uh oh!” he thought to himself, “Not again!” A faint memory began to form in his mind. The last time he had felt like this was a few months earlier, in early 1950, when he had awoken one morning, naked, on a straw mattress in a thatched hut. He was in bed with an equally naked, toothless sixty-some-year-old Korean grandmother, a very contented-looking female dog, two ducks, and a spilled plate of pork dumplings, complete with dipping sauce. He was glad he had no memory of the previous night but was sorry he couldn’t recall eating the dumplings. He really loved dumplings.

Then another memory relating to that one popped into his mind. He and his squadron of B-29 Superfortress flyers had landed in South Korea. His job was tail gunner, and his somewhat uncreative nickname was Tail Gunner something or other. Tail Gunner Pete? Tail Gunner Frank? No, that didn’t seem quite right. It would probably come back to him eventually. It was his name, after all. The only thing he could remember was that he and his buddies had decided to go out and have one last bout of hellraising before they had to begin their bombing runs, which were scheduled to take place later that week. He had no idea how much he had to drink or how he’d ended up in that bizarre situation with madam gum-flapper and her barnyard menagerie.

That was how he felt now; confused and disoriented, yet at the same time, he was surprisingly quite strong, perhaps stronger than he had ever felt. He tried to sit up but found himself strapped to the bed. Wherever it was he happened to be, the great strength he now felt wasn’t going to do him any good. He couldn’t move his head and couldn’t see anywhere but the ceiling directly in front of him. He was relieved that the roof was not thatched but appeared to be some sort of metal roof, perhaps a hospital or laboratory. A thatched roof and restraints might signify something much worse than that previous embarrassment.

“Whew. Dodged that bullet again.” He thought, recalling the morning after the incident with the old woman. Much to his dismay, her dog had followed him back to the base, constantly rubbing against his leg. He obviously had made an impression. He had to chase her away and then felt a bit sorry that he didn’t even get her name; the dog, not the old woman.

There was a bad smell in the room, like wild animals, like the stink of a zoo. Was he being held captive in a zoo somewhere? He felt the air in front of his face flutter as if a bird had flown close enough for him to feel the flapping of its wings. He heard a wild chittering sound made by a squirrel, and it was also frighteningly close to his face.

He realized he was hungry and was having strange cravings. Not his typical need for cheesesteak sandwiches or pizza but for food and fruit he usually hated. He wanted a salad, a really big, really leafy salad. He also had an unexplainable craving for bananas, not just one, but an entire bunch of bananas. 

Then a soft voice came out of the darkness, saying. “Ah, so I see you’re awake.”

“Y… yeah… I’m awake.” The confused man said slowly, intending to say more but shocked at the sound of his voice. It was deeper than normal and had a somewhat raspy quality, catching him by surprise. It sounded like a female impersonator doing a bad impression of Cher. He also noticed that his head felt like John Bonham and Keith Moon had a drum-off inside his skull. “Where… where am I? What the Hell is wrong with my voice?”

“Oh yes. Questions, questions, so many questions, I’m sure.” The other voice said, sounding surprisingly cheerful. “I assure you all your inquiries will be answered in due course. I, too, have plenty of questions, my new friend. For example, what’s your name?”

The man thought for a bit, trying to fight through the thick cotton candy fog clouding his mind. Then it came to him, “J… J… Joe. I think my name is Joe. That feels right. Yeah… they call me Tail Gunner Joe.”

“Hum.” The voice said, “I suppose that makes sense, all things considered. However, I would have pegged you for a Waldo or maybe a Wendel. Then again, I suppose Tail Gunner Waldo doesn’t have a very good ring to it. Well, Tail Gunner Joe, do you happen to know your last name?”

Joe replied, “Of course. Sure, it’s… it’s… huh? I got nothin’. Maybe it’s Smith.”

“Really? Smith? That’s the best you can come up with, Smith? Not the most creative sort, are we?”

“Forgive me all to Hell and back, but I’m not feeling quite myself here. You know what I mean?”

“Oh yes. I most definitely know. More than you may realize. Well, I suppose we have to call you something; how about Simian? Joe Simian. That feels right to me. How do you like that name?”

“Simian? Why does that name sound familiar? Well, I suppose it’s ok for now, but how about you tell me where I am and why I’m strapped down? Say… you’re not some weirdo pervert who’s been doing dirty sexual things to me while I was asleep, are you? Because I’m not into kinky crap, no matter what you might have heard. Well, there was that time with the dog and the ducks but let’s not bring that up.”

The man sounded like he had been caught off guard, “Why… why no, of course not. I’m not that sort of… absolutely not. I’m a man of science.”

Joe asked, “You mean, like a doctor or something?”

“Yes… a doctor… or something.” The man replied vaguely.

“Well, how’s about you get me off this table so I can get out of here.”

“I’m afraid that’s not quite possible at this time. You’re strapped down for your own protection as well as mine.” The doctor said.

“Protection. What are you talking about? I’m an American soldier; I’m one of the good guys. I can’t see you; it’s too dark in here. But you aren’t Korean, are you? You sound American to me, and your voice has no trace of any accent. Look, I promise I wouldn’t hurt you.”

“Don’t be so quick to make promises when you have no idea whether or not you can keep them,” the doctor said; then, he hesitated for a moment and reluctantly said, “Here’s the deal, Joe. Several weeks ago, your plane came down as it was leaving a bombing raid over North Korea. I believe it might have been shot down or had some sort of mechanical malfunction. The bottom line is it crashed, and everyone on the plane was killed.”

Joe was even more confused, “Um… excuse me. But I’m pretty sure I wasn’t killed, or else I wouldn’t be here talking to you. Right? Isn’t that how those things usually work.”

Hesitantly, the doctor said, “Well, Yes. But, that’s where things start to get a bit tricky, or perhaps hairy would be a better word.” He let loose an insane-sounding chuckle, “You see, you were barely alive when I came upon your downed plane. Your body was crushed beyond repair, and I managed to keep you alive just long enough to take a few significant corrective measures.”

“Corrective measures? But how could my body be crushed? I feel very strong like I have the strength of a gorilla.”

“Interesting choice of words.” The doctor said, once again giving that crazy chuckle. “Well, Joe. As things worked out, I had to make a choice. I had to decide whether to let your brain eventually die as your body had done or try something else, something risky but also  revolutionary.”

“Something else? Revolutionary?” Joe asked, beginning to get worried. 

“Yes, well, I suppose there is no good way to say this. I had to take your brain and transplant it into the head of a gorilla.”

Joe said calmly, “Oh, is that all… I was afraid …” Then he shouted, “Hey! Wait a minute… did you just say gorilla?”

“Why, yes. Specifically, a western lowland gorilla; scientific name, Gorilla gorilla gorilla; phylum, Chordata; class, Mammalia. Its distinguishing features are that it is a relatively small gorilla with dark brownish black hair and a large skull. Its average size is about 200 to 600 pounds, with males being about twice the size of females. They tend to be herbivorous and have a lifespan of about 35 years. The one whose body your brain now occupies was about five years old, so you should be good for another thirty years, give or take.”

“G… g… give or take?” Joe said in shock.

“Why, yes. No one can be sure of such things. Then again, without the operation, your lifespan would be zilch. You’d be el-dead-amundo.”

“So, that’s why you have me strapped down. You’re afraid I might go, pardon the expression, ape, and tear you apart.”

“Well, there is that.” The doctor replied. 

Joe shouted, “You sick and twisted bastard. Why didn’t you just let me die? How am I going to survive inside the body of a gorilla?”

The doctor said, “Oh, Joe, I’m sure you’ll adapt.”

“Adapt? Adapt? Adapt to being in the body of an ape? How the Hell do I adapt to being a monkey?”

“Forgive me for correcting you, but a gorilla and monkey are not the same. For example, monkeys are primates that belong to the Haplorhini suborder and Simiiformes infraorder, whereas Gorillas belong to the Hominidae family and Gorilla Genus. Gorillas are considered the largest primates by physical size. Monkeys have a long tail that can be used to help them balance, while Gorillas are tailless. There is also a significant difference between monkeys and gorillas in terms of evolution when it comes to diet and posture as well. It is also interesting to note that gorillas are the closest taxonomical relatives of humans in the animal world, that is, after chimpanzees and bonobos.”

“Bonobos? Bonobos? What the Hell is a Bonobo?” Joe asked.

The doctor started to speak, “A bonobo is…”

Joe shouted, “Never mind. I don’t know and don’t care. Look, Doc, give me a break here. Ok, look. You don’t have to release me yet, but could you at least turn on the lights? I need to see what I’m dealing with here, you know?”

“Very well.” The doctor said as he turned on the laboratory lights. Harsh fluorescent illumination seemed to scald Joe’s overly sensitive eyes.

“Jeeze, Doc. You’re killing me hear.” Joe shouted.

“Just relax, Joe. Close your eyes and slowly open them until they get used to the brightness.”

Joe squinted his eyes, gradually opening them, and eventually, he could clearly see the ceiling and some of the area around. He was in a metal building like an airplane hangar or Quonset hut. He wanted to get a better idea of just how bad his situation was. If his brain really was inside a gorilla, what would his life be like from this day forward?

“Come closer, Doc, so I can see you, and please, explain to me how I’m supposed to live my life trapped in the body of a gorilla?”

An odd-looking little man in his sixties, bald, with just a fringe of wild, bushy white hair and equally bushy eyebrows, came into view. His eyes were large and showed an extraordinary level of intelligence, coupled with what looked to Joe like an equal amount of insanity. Then again, he realized it would take a combination like that to do what this man had done to him.

Something was sitting on the doctor’s shoulder. It looked like a parrot or some other large bird, but its head was that of a squirrel. Joe asked as calmly as he could manage, “Um, excuse me, Doc, but there’s some kind of weird bird-squirrel thing perched on your shoulder. Care to tell me what that’s all about?”

The doctor glanced over to his shoulder, then raised his hand, extending one finger, and said, “Oh, that. That’s Carl. He was one of my first successful experiments.” The bird-squirrel creature fluttered from the man’s shoulder to his outstretched hand, preaching on his extended finger. “He’s a sweet little thing and completely trained.”

As he said those last words, the Carl creature took flight from the doctor’s finger, leaving a runny blob of bird/squirrel crap in his wake. The doctor explained to Joe about Carl while simultaneously flicking the errant turd off his finger and onto the floor. He. said, “Like yourself, Carl was one of my success stories. You wouldn’t want to see my failures.”

Joe realized what the doctor said was true. He was certain he didn’t even want to see himself in a mirror. Then he realized he never got an answer to his previous question, “Anyway, Doc, as I asked earlier, would you please explain to me how I’m supposed to live my life trapped in the body of a gorilla?”

The doctor stared down at him and then said, “Well, I hadn’t really had much time to think about that. I was quite busy saving your life. I suppose you’ll have to learn to make the best of it. I mean, you are still alive and have your human mind and intelligence, and as a gorilla, you’ll have great strength.”

Joe knew the doctor was right, as he was already feeling much stronger. Then he said, “I suppose that’s true. Gorillas are strong, and that’s probably a good thing. Right?”

Then his eyes grew wide as he suddenly had an epiphany, “Say, Doc, do gorillas have big schlongs? That would be awesome if this body had a foot-long kielbasa. Whoa, think about it! Wait till I get back to the states and my girlfriend gets a look at my tallywacker of terror. I’ll be able to run a three-legged race by myself. It’ll be awesome. Maybe I can get into making stag films. I could bill myself as the human tripod. Please tell me I got a monster dong, Doc.”

“Well, about that…”

“Oh boy, more bad news coming. I can feel it,” Joe said with frustration.

The doctor released and sigh and said, “Unfortunately, you’re right. You see, the only gorilla I had available was a female.”

“What? Now, wait a cotton-pickin’ minute there. Are you seriously telling me you put my brain into the body of a female gorilla?”

“Well, Yes, I suppose I am.”

“Not a big, strapping savage chest-pounding, schwantz-swinging male gorilla, but a namby-pamby, no-nuts, frail, delicate little female gorilla.”

The doctor said, “To be honest, she was not so frail or delicate. She was well over three hundred pounds of solid muscle. I’m sorry, but I don’t see that it’s all such a big deal.”

“You don’t, do you? So, not only do I not have a foot-long war wanger, but I have no wanger at all. Is that what you’re trying to tell me?”

“Yes, I suppose that’s correct.”

“You suppose? Well, I suppose you supposed correctly. What am I going to do now? I’m a pitcher, Doc, not a catcher. I like women, not men. What am I supposed to tell my girlfriend when I get home? Well, Honey, not only am I now a gorilla, but it seems I’m a lesbian gorilla.”

The doctor thought for a moment, then said, “Perhaps your girl would not be opposed to a bit of girl-on-girl gorilla action. Do you suppose she ever tried, as they say, playing for the other team?”

“Of course not. She’s 100% woman.” He hesitated for a moment, then said, “Then again, there was that time she told me about when she was away at girl’s summer camp, but I’m pretty sure that was just experimental.”

“So maybe she would be up for a bit of experimental cross-species carpet munching then?”

“Woah, Doc. Look at you. Who would have thought you were up on the latest lesbo slang?”

The doctor said, “I pride myself on acquiring knowledge in whatever form it happens to take.”

“But what about my squadron? What the Hell am I supposed to tell my commander? Sorry, Captain, but now that I’m a gorilla, I’ll be too big to sit in the tail gunner seat, so I’ll have to be assigned to the motor pool with the rest of the grease monkeys.”

“As far as the airforce is concerned, you were killed in action.”

“But they won’t find my body, will they?”

The doctor hesitated, then said, “Well… yes, they will. It’s just that it will be a mess, what with the accident and the removal of your brain. Messy business, all that. I’m sure they will chalk that up to scavengers having their way with the corpses. Lord knows, I barely beat the blighters to the bodies.”

“Ok, so I can’t go back to the military. And my girlfriend back home won’t be an issue, since if I’m dead, I can’t go there either. So, to summarize, everyone thinks I’m dead. My brain and essence are occupying the body of a chick gorilla, complete with gorilla-gina. I can’t go live in the jungle unless I’m prepared to be used as a love pin cushion being assaulted by every male silver-back gorilla within sniffing distance. I can’t stay here with you since, for one thing, I have no idea who you are. And for another thing… there’s probably a million other things. So, Doc. What do you recommend I do?”

The doctor seemed to ponder this question and then said, “I know some people who are active in the black market. It’s how I get most of my lab supplies. From what I’ve heard, they are always looking for others to work with them. I think if we shaved your face, arms, and hands, we might be able to pass you off as human. Not the most attractive human, but human nonetheless. After all, apes are our closest relatives in the animal kingdom.”

“Man, oh, man! This is all so uncool. It’s probably the least-coolest thing I’ve ever heard of. But what choice do I have? I don’t suppose you’d consider shooting me and ending it all.”

The doctor said, “I would prefer not to. But if that’s what you want, I’d be willing to euthanize you.” He reached over to his metal work table and picked up a syringe filled with a clear liquid. It was only water, but Joe had no way of knowing that. 

“You mean, you’d really do that?”

“Yes, if that’s what you really want.”

Joe thought for a moment, then said, “Nah! Forget about it. I guess I’ll have to make the best of this. Hey, Doc, how’s about you unstrap me and let me get up and get a feel for what it’s like to have this new body?

Reluctantly, the doctor said, “Ok, Joe. If you promise to behave yourself.”

“I will. Look, Doc, I’ve been thinking about all this. And although I’m not thrilled with being a gorilla chick, you’re right about one thing. At least I’m still alive and can still think with my own brain.”

“I’m glad to hear that.” The doctor said as he released Joe from his straps.

Joe sat up and slowly got off the table, surprised at how quickly he was getting accustomed to this strange, new body. Looking around the room, he saw many wooden cages occupied by various animals. Then Joe realized that the animal stink he had been smelling was coming from himself; he’d have to do something about that. In fact, he had to do something about a lot of things very soon. 

“I’ve been thinking, Doc, maybe that job with your black market pal is worth considering. Do you have his name handy?”

The doctor walked over to his desk and returned with a piece of paper covered in barely intelligible scrawl. Joe took the paper in his hairy black hand, read it, then memorized the name, address, and phone number. He looked at the doctor and asked, “Say, Doc, don’t you have an assistant, nurse, or somebody who works with you?”

“Heavens, no!” He said with great surprise. “My work is far too secret to risk having anyone steal my ideas. All my information, skills, and right here.” The doctor pointed to his head.

“Sweet.” Joe said, “That’s exactly what I wanted to hear.” With one quick swipe of his massive hand, Joe promptly removed the doctor’s head from his body, leaving a bloody neck stump pumping blood for a few seconds before the corpse collapsed to the floor. The bird/squirrel thing tried a divebomb attack, and Joe plucked it out of the air, bit its head off Ozzy-style, and spit it onto the floor. Then he ambled over to the cages and released all the animals.

He looked into a nearby mirror, and although shocked, he gently rubbed his chin and said, “Well, it appears I have some serious shaving to do and have a date with my new career.”