Editorial: Am I Still a Creator If I Rarely Create?
The guilt, doubt, and identity crisis of creative inertia.
Written by Chauncey HaworthI need to create more. I don’t need to be prolific. I assume that at my age, and in my situation, the ship of prolifery has sailed. But still, I need to create more.
By “create” I mean do something myself. This magazine doesn’t count because it is a shared endeavor, but perhaps it should. This editorial doesn’t count because it is a bimonthly obligation, but again, maybe it should count.
At this point I feel that I create about one thing a year, maybe two. Set this against the amount of time I think about creating and it’s embarrassing.
Does that mean that I’m a poser? Do I just dream of being a creator? Am I a creator who does not create?
What amount of creating do I have to do to consider myself a creator? Think of a painter. How many paintings must they paint a year to claim the title? Maybe twelve? Twelve paintings a year, and you can reap the rewards of feeling accomplished by referring to yourself as a painter. Seems fair.
Maybe it’s money. Does one need to make money to truly feel that they are a creator?
Are you a writer? Did you write twelve stories last year? If so, did you make any money? When is the point that you can refer to yourself as a writer, even in your own head?
My dad would have you believe that my mother did this to me— that she entitled me to the point where I could believe I could be anything. Things like “You can be a paleontologist someday, you just have to want it and to believe”. Maybe she wasn’t quite that saccharine, but you get the point.
I think my mom’s overindulgence and my dad’s criticisms gave me a case of “analysis paralysis”, a fear of too many choices.
No, I don’t mean that I have this clinically— more so that people in general, specifically Americans like me; we have analysis paralysis as a lifestyle. Not as a driven fear but as a learned behavior from our upbringings and lifestyles.
Even now I am doing it— running lyrical circles instead of doing anything of purpose for myself.
So, time to lock the door, dream some horror, and write some lore because my procrastinating ass needs to create more.
