A Post-Apocalyptic, Twisted Pulp Interview with Jesus Christ
Hello again, not-so-dear readers! This is Dr. Mary Von Rocksprocket, still trapped in my underground bunker, eating stale oyster crackers, and wondering why in the world the Doobie Brothers ever broke up! I think, despite what a certain planarian huffing ex-president claimed, that the lack of Doobies, as well as the lack of any new Boz Scaggs singles in over 16 years!—HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! —is the real reason the apocalypse happened (Rosie O’Donnell? Please!). If we had just taken the Lido Shuffle down to China Grove, everything would still be peaches and cream! Not to be confused with Peaches & Herb—which is a band that Tiffany desperately misses. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Anyway!!! Today, you infidel heretics, I have an exclusive interview with none other than someone I never thought was actually real. Your lord and savior: Jesus H Christ!
Jesus Christ (JC): It’s just “Jesus Christ” doctor. I don’t have, and never had, a middle name.
Dr. Mary Von Rocksprocket (MVR): I was sure it was “Harold.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
JC: Are you laughing at me? No. It was originally either a misunderstanding of the transliteration of the Greek letter eta (it looks like a Roman “H” you see) or, it is an irreverent joke, made by that jackass friend of Mark Twain’s, Wales McCormick. Just to be on the safe side, McCormick is serving at least another 500 years in Purgatory for that.
MVR: Daddy didn’t tell you which is the truth Harold?
JC: No. And don’t. Call. Me. HAROLD! (Dear Father, sometimes crucifixion is easier than dealing with these fucking morons).
[Note from Tiffany: Even that milksop JC understands that Mary is a Moron! Mary is a moron! MARY IS A MORON!]
Moron: You have far more of a potty mouth on you than most people would think Haro… Jesus. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Maybe you want me to call you “Brain” then? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
JC: I loved Escape From New York.
Moron: SO DID I!!!!!
JC: Adrienne Barbeau reminds me of Mary Magdalene.
Moron: Really?! Now that’s a scoop for our readers!!!
JC: Doctor, I’m a bit distressed. Why didn’t you think I was real?
Moron: Well… it’s because… well… you’re nothing but, well, a story. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! No… really. You’re just a story that I’m hallucinating due to too many moldy twinkies.
JC: I… y’know… FUCK YOU BUDDY!
Moron: That’s not very Christian of you. Damn hippies. Always trying to make you think they’re all about LOVE and TOLERANCE but then as soon as you disagree with them they prove themselves to be the biggest hypocrites. GAH! TIFFANY! WHERE IS MY WHISKY AND TOCINO SPAM?!
JC: You! Why in the world did I agree to this?! I’m gonna fire my fatherdamned agent.
Moron: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
JC: This is it! This is the final straw! I’ve been telling dad for centuries that none of you fucking monkeys are—
Moron: Did you just make an EVOLUTION reference? HHHMMMMMMM????? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
JC: THEY AREN’T MUTUALLY EXCLUSI…
JC: (sigh).
JC: You’re in for it now bitch. I’ve telling dad that you all deserve nothing less than the full smiting power of old testament wrath. Time to bring back the fear of YAHWEH to all y’all!
Moron: Question for you Harold: How did your human “dad” take to being a cuck for Yahweh anyway?
JC: That’s it. I’m outta here and you just wait until I tell dad what you just said!
Moron: Y’know, this is a lot less fun than I thought it would be when Tiffany and I were snorting ant poison.
JC: I’m going to find any of your family members that happen to be in Heaven and give them a one way trip to HELL! What do you think about that?
Moron: Oh, just one word. Disbelieve. Disbelieve. Disbelieve. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
JC: What the? Wait, why am I fading away?
Moron: I told you! You’re. Just. A. Story!
JC: NO!!! Wait… this doesn’t make sense… Twinkies can’t get moldy!!!! Noooooo…..
JC:…….
Moron: HAH! That’s because I was actually high on sour communal wine and moldy Eucharist wafers! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Moron: I apologize not-so-dear readers! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! What a jerk! A completely fictitious jerk! But he does have good taste in movies. HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Moron: Wait… I just got a message from Tiffany. It seems there is a person we have scheduled for our next interview who says Jesus IS actually real, has proof, as well as a successful lawsuit ruling against him. That’s right readers! Next time we have the one, the only original undead corpse, Lazarus!
Moron: If Harold IS real (which I’m still not sure of) I wonder where he went when I disbelieved him? Hmmm….. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
