On to Blood Rage from 1987. It starts out at a drive-in, a staple of the time of course. I assume we can all agree that the best part of the pandemic is the possibility of it bringing back more drive-ins.
In a car, two parents start some heavy petting while their twins are in the back sleeping… which, is fucking gross. As a parent, and a normal human being, I find that the closer my proximity is to children, the less I want to fuck something.
The two kids wake up, and thanks to the shitty acting, were not sure if they were excited to see their parents going at it or not. Turns out they weren’t, they were just excited that their parents were distracted and they could sneak out of the back of the old school station wagon to sneak up on another couple. This seems all normal, until the first thing they do is sneak up on another cuple that is straight up fucking in a different car. Remember, these kids are like ten. There are some mandatory ‘80s tits and then one kid kills the dude with an axe while the other kid watches.
Fast forward and we are now listening to a doctor's dictation about a patient as we see shots of them doing doctor patient stuff. What with the doctor plot driving narrations in Thanksgiving movies? Is this the first Thanksgiving horror movie specific trope? Further research required.
It skips ahead and we are now dealing with sexy college aged kids, go figure. The twin that did the killing is in the loony bin and the non-murderous twin lives with the mom. Or do they? I would be a little more vague about the twins being switched, but I called it in the first five minutes. I think about this alot with my kids, not murder and looney bins, but the power of a twist. A premise that was new decades ago is now a joke on Family Guy, but shit, you just can’t stop progress.
The mom is getting remarried and the twin that’s at home is not particularly happy about it, which I find weird. When a kid is too involved with their parents dating life it definitely implies a need for some expensive therapy in their forties. The twin, thinly masking his disdain, then toasts with a tall glass of milk… why milk? It was the ‘80s.
For anyone that thinks that milk is normal I would like you to consider two things.
- No other animal drinks the tit juice of another animal on the planet.
- Try drinking a big glass of milk before bed and see what happens from your behind the next morning.
The movie isn’t about Thanksgiving, which alot of Thanksgiving flicks aren't, they just happen to take place during thanksgiving, but I figure if we can pass off Die Hard as a Christmas movie, we can do Blood Rage as a Thanksgiving movie. There is, however, a sweet Thanksgiving reference when one of the twins licks blood off his shirt and comments that, “It’s not cranberry sauce”.
Watching these movies back to back reminds me that decades are weird. This movie is 1987 but has all the vibes of 1977. I’m not sure about movies, but I know with music the true decades seem to be 5 years off. Music scenes seem to move more like 1975 to ‘85, ‘85 to ‘95 etc. I also can’t help but to wonder what are the tropes of today? Is the trope of today to make movies that seem like they were made in other times. If so, Blood Rage is ahead of its time by being an ‘80s movie paying homage to ‘70s movies. It’s weird to live in a day and age that tries to pay homage to every bygone area. This leaves me, in the 2020s, watching an ‘80s movie that is an homage to a ‘70s movie. Mind… Blown… (Douchey hand explosions).
A big tell that this is the ‘80s over the ‘70s is the angle of the gore shots. There is much more technically to the shots. A scene where a guy is stabbed through the stomach with a machete shows it going through from both sides, something we didn’t see much of in the ‘70s.
Ultimately how I feel about this movie is that it was overly ambitious. It's hard enough to write a good movie, but trying to throw in a twist? The problem with trying to plant twists in movies is that there has to be good writing and a good story structure to begin with. Without those things, this shit is just confusing. But if you are a fan of ‘80s flicks, creative deaths (for the time), and the occasional appearance of lady-nip, then this might be your cup of tea.
More on cogitations on 1987’s Blood Rage:
- As I watched more, there may have been a bit more than just lady nip.
- The surrealness of the dictation at the beginning is interesting, not well done, just interesting.
- The soundtrack is fucking awesome synthwave and I wish I could get my hands on it. Ultimately it’s an interesting combo of ‘70s synth-prog and ‘80s soundtrack bongo action music.
- The main problem with bad acting is that its hard to tell whos fucking and who is mom and child… maybe confusing sexual parent/child relationships is also a Thanksgiving horror movie trope? God, I hope not.
- The ‘80s were a time of hideous family photos, and this movie is no exception. Around 16 minutes in there is the freakiest baby pic that is passed off as normal.
- Not sure if it's the twins or the low quality film, but this flick reminds me of The Love Butcher, which a friend of mine actually named his kid after the murderous twin… So, that’s weird.
- One plot hole is that the twin that has been in a mental institution his whole life felt super comfortable hitting a joint but got all weird when talking to a girl. I figure in mental institutions there are girls, but not joints.
- They are doing shots of tequila with salt and lemon. Lemon? Is that a thing or just a necessity?
- I know it's a misogynistic thing to say, but let me preface by saying that in horror movies they are normally trying to make the girls look hot, but looking back on the ‘70s and ‘80s, sometimes it's hard to tell if they are hot cuz the hair and clothes of the time were so fucking hideous.