Twisted Pulp Radio Hour Episode 001

Introduction: Announcer:
A personal message from Twisted Pulp Radio Hour. I want to recognize two of the most talented and generous creators in the audio drama world – Victor Aurelius and Jeff Niles. They have teamed up to create some of the best audio ever produced. They have donated some terrific programs to our show, as you will come to hear. Sadly, our audio drama world has experienced a huge loss as Victor has passed on. We here at Twisted Pulp Radio Hour and respected production companies such as KKRN would like to send our condolences to Victor Aurelius’s family and friends. Victor’s talent at creating A1 content, all better audio, and 407 Seventh will be missed. Warning: This material is for mature audiences. This is the Twisted Pulp Radio Hour, a Ninth Tower Production.

Segment 1: Variety Show Intro: Rock Ada Production

Peace

This In Gender

Segment 2: Characters Introduction: [Music]

Voice 1:
Come join Sergeant Stranglers Priesthood! Get drunk!

Voice 2:
Well, I’m not a crook.

Voice 2:
Well, I’m not.

Voice 2:
Well, I’m not.

Voice 2:
Well, I’m proud.

Voice 1:
Well, I’m…

Tiffany:
I think this signal is finally getting through. Good work.

Doctor:
Thank you, Doctor. Perhaps I won’t have to terminate and then reclone you again.

Tiffany:
That’s not funny, Doctor. Stop joking like that. You’ve never recloned me.

Doctor:
Joking, right? No, it’s definitely not funny. Yeah.

Segment 3: Dr. Mary’s Monologue: Dr. Mary:
Elvis Presley died today. He was 42. Apparently, it was a heart attack. He was found at his home in Memphis, not breathing. His doctor pronounced him dead at three o’clock this afternoon. Enough of that. This is Dr. Mary Von Rock Sprocket, world-renowned inventor, scientist, and supra-genius, broadcasting to this radiated wasteland of hopelessness from my hidden laboratory and now radio station. And let me make something perfectly clear: I am angry.

After the newest set of bombs fell, making this post-apocalyptic world into something even more hellish—perhaps it is now a post-post-apocalyptic world—it doesn’t matter. The point is that after the newest conflagration of idiots, egos continue to propagate. Well, their idiocy. I found myself being knocked unconscious with some form of green gas. Upon awakening, I found myself locked in my laboratory and my trophy room of vintage Barbie dolls, which had now been turned into a radio studio. I’m pretty sure there was a large penny-farthing bicycle here too, but it seems to have disappeared. Now, damn you, Patrick Magoon. And the only person to keep me company is my producer and failed television newscaster, Tiffany Teegarden, who has been locked in here with me. Say hello, Tiffany.

Tiffany:
Hello.

Dr. Mary:
Now, I have no idea exactly why I have been imprisoned like this. It is outrageous that someone would interrupt my important work, which will finally bring the world back from the brink and into my control. I’m not really thrilled about being trapped here either, you know?

Tiffany:
Yes, I’m sure people are missing you and your contributions to society every day. Whatever will the world do without you?

Dr. Mary:
You’re a real jerk, you know that? Cloned with more competency but also more sass. I’m not sure I like that particular mixture. What was that?

Tiffany:
Oh, nothing. As I was saying, I don’t know why I am here, but there seems to be some expectation that we will be making regular broadcasts. Hence Tiffany’s presence and the stack of daily programming schedules, recordings to play, news reports, and commercial sponsors. Before we begin our job, I just want to announce that if anyone wants to contact us, hopefully with some information on how I can get out of here and who is responsible for my imprisonment, I will make that person one of my trusted minions with my patented health tonic as a generous medical benefit package. Just be on the lookout for any rat with what looks to be an antenna array coming out of its head. They are my eyes and ears, and they will bring me any message you care to send. Also, you could alternatively, for anyone who still can, send us a message to ellen@kkrn.org. That is e-l-l-e-n at k-k-r-n dot o-r-g. Ah, now I am tired of talking, so I will hand things over to Tiffany to give you our broadcast and the word from our sponsor.

Tiffany:
Thank you, Doctor. Our broadcast for today is Jeff Niles Presents, produced by Victor Aurelius and Jeff Niles. It is set in 1984, two punk rockers get a hold of atomic weapons, and it should be a welcome respite from the hair loss and horrible sores that all of the fallout this season has been bringing to the California inland. We also have a news and weather report.

Segment 4: News and Weather Report: Newscaster:
First in the news, some of the wineries in the remains of Napa, California, have been violently taken – I mean reconsolidated – and are reopening under new mutant management. Gene Freak Wineries will be offering such varieties as Pinot Blood Noir, Cabernet Burgundy, and Pineal Gregio. More to come, and I’m sure we’ll have an ad to play at some point.

And in other news, the strange clown-pig hybrids are still protesting outside of the burned-out crater that used to be the Circo Deatho Circus Tent. Reports say that they are picketing for better working conditions. That’s an update on the news, and now for the weather.

Weathercaster:
Well, it’s hot. I mean, really hot. Like, surface of the sun hot. If you don’t have shade, you might want to stay inside. But if you don’t have inside, you might want to find some shade. In short, it’s hot, and it’s going to stay hot. Back to you, Tiffany.

Tiffany:
Thank you for that scintillating weather report. Now, for our sponsor’s commercial.

Segment 5: Commercial Break: Announcer:
Do you find yourself irradiated, mutant-infested, and in need of a refreshing beverage? Look no further than Nuka-Cola – the cola with a nuclear kick! Nuka-Cola is the perfect beverage to quench your post-apocalyptic thirst. Made with a unique blend of radioactive isotopes, Nuka-Cola not only tastes great but also gives you that extra energy boost you need to survive in the wasteland. So, when life gives you lemons – or in this case, mutant lemons – crack open a cold Nuka-Cola and enjoy the radioactive refreshment. Nuka-Cola – the choice of survivors everywhere!

Segment 6: Jeff Niles Presents: [Background Music]

Jeff Niles:
Once again, we present to you the artistic prowess of Victor Aurelius and Jeff Niles in “The Adventures of Jeff Niles Presents.”

Victor Aurelius:
[As Roger] Hey, Skip! Skip, are you there?

Jeff Niles:
[As Skip] Yeah, Roger, I’m here. What’s going on?

Victor Aurelius:
[As Roger] Man, I just got this killer new tape. It’s called “The End of the World” by a band called the Plague Rats.

Jeff Niles:
[As Skip] Plague Rats? Never heard of them.

Victor Aurelius:
[As Roger] Oh, man, they’re punk as hell. Listen to this.

Jeff Niles:
[As Skip] Whoa, that’s intense.

Victor Aurelius:
[As Roger] Yeah, I know, right? Anyway, I was thinking, what if we got our hands on some atomic weapons and blasted this tape all over the airwaves? We’d be like punk rock gods!

Jeff Niles:
[As Skip] Whoa, Roger, slow down. Atomic weapons? That’s a bit extreme, isn’t it?

Victor Aurelius:
[As Roger] Come on, Skip, live a little. It’s the end of the world, man!

Jeff Niles:
[As Skip] I don’t know, Roger. It sounds dangerous.

Victor Aurelius:
[As Roger] Danger is our middle name, Skip. Well, technically, it’s Dangerian, but that doesn’t sound as cool.

Jeff Niles:
[As Skip] I don’t know, Roger. Let’s think this through.

Closing: Tiffany:
Well, that’s all the time we have for today. Be sure to tune in next time for more exciting adventures, news, and weather in this irradiated wasteland. This has been the Twisted Pulp Radio Hour, a Ninth Tower Production. I’m Tiffany Teegarden, and I’m still trapped here with Dr. Mary Von Rock Sprocket.

Dr. Mary:
Goodbye, everyone, and remember, my minions are watching. So be good, or be good at it.